Sunday, October 07, 2007

How to kill a house fly for dummies!


"I dont like killing animals" used to be my reasoning for being a vegetarian. At the dinner table, while my family hogged on a chicken or a mutten, I would be content with my "ghaas phuus". But when it came to insects, I have always been cruel to them. I never had enough, even when I caught fire flies into a horlicks bottle or while watching a dragon fly struggle mid-air while I tie a stone to its tail(Even though I was told that dragon flies are not accepted by its 'community', once they are touched by humans).

Many of those rainy holidays in kerala have been spent in building Noah’s arc for the ant colony. At that age, it was believed that kissing a girl would make her give out babies. So I(the god of ants) carefully placed 5-6 ants in the Noah’s arc, hoping they would survive and build a new colony somewhere. If creating artificial catastrophe and saving the ants was the ‘considerate’ side of me, the ‘sadist’ side in me gave a live commentary of their struggle while I followed the boat all the way till the river. Remember those “stormy ship wreck movie scenes” in Hollywood movies?…those are all taken using the same technique…my technique(yah, somebody out there is making millions out of my ideas).

Once in a science class, we were taught that ants leave a powdery trail behind them, so as to make it easier for others to follow. After that, whenever I saw an ant 'silk-route'(aka 'sugar route'), I have this habit of observing how this teeny weeny insects carried that heavy load all the way to their colony. The fun part though was, after I rub off the powdery trail between the two ants. All the ants following that would come to an abrupt halt. Suddenly, there is a traffic jam in the route. Suddenly they are spread all over the freeway, just to get a whiff of the lost trail. Finally one of them manages to meet the 'return traffic' and conveys something in antish("that bloody bugger there lost the trail...I would never follow him again") and gets the rest of them back to his route. And my reasoning to all this cruelty was, "they are stealing our sugar".

Its been so many years since that science class, but even now when I see a "silk route", I tend to inspect if the ants have evolved or not. “Oh crap! We humans have gotten into the bluetooths and Wifis...and yet they are still into their powdery trail stuff”.

But, my best bout with the insect clan came after I joined the Engineering college. Located very close to the canteen, our class had a few house flies making rounds, hoping that one of us had dropped some tasty lunch time meals on the floor(yes...even they didnt like the canteen food). And what a suprise? They always found something or the other to munch on! The irritating part was when they buzzed around the "donors" ears while they ate the meal. I guess its their way of thanking. That was the only time I cribbed about my clumsy eating habits, unlike the "special someone" who could go on about it 24/7.

It was one such time that I finally decided to devise a theory to kill these beasts! After few days of concentration/determination/hard work(ok...I shall leave the rest for the award ceremony), I finally got it all erfect. Over a few weeks, I had perfected the art so well that, I could actually hold them in my hand alive!(Killing them is easier than catching them alive). Proud of it, I flaunted this new talent to my friends who in turn would say I have already graduated as a EEE engineer('EEE' in tamizh means housefly).

It so happened, one day I promised to one of my dear friends that I would never ever practice this art again, not cos it was cruel, but because it was yucky to have dead flies in your hands(eeeeaaaaaaaaawwwwwww!). But, after these many years, I have decided to pass on this simple theory to the readors of this blog(a very rare species). That way making sure that, this art that I had 'struggled' so hard to come up with doesnt die with me. So here goes...

Lets say you spot a fly sitting on a desk. Place both your hands on either side of the fly, carefully so that the fly doesnt get suspicious and fly off. A 'safe distance' for placing your hand is about 40-50 cms, but this could vary depending on the fly's sensitivity and your hand speed. Now, in one quick motion move both your hands towards the fly(with the obvious intention of crushing the fly).

Now lets pause for a moment and think like a fly(considering most of us have a similiar brain size as them...this shouldnt be a problem)

"What the hell? Two huge horribly stinky/yucky blocks of mass are accelarting towards me at approximately 1.6 cm/sec squared and would attain a top speed of 3600 meters/sec when they reach me. Their collision at that speed would ultimately result in my untimely death"


Now...now do you really think the fly will think like this?...unless its like a wanna-be einstein of the house fly clan. So pause again!

"oh god! two horribly stinky yucky blocks of mass are going to crush me! FLY!!!"


So as the fly flies, the only direction it can think of at that point is directly upwards(cos your hands are moving horizontally towards it). Now, I believe that, the fly's motion is much slower when it tries to fly in the perendicular direction because of the way its wings are shaped(they are much quicker when they try an angled motion).

Now again, pause for a moment and think!

"Damn!...the fly is moving up. I might completely miss it and make a fool of myself infront of these guys. Oh sweet...If I were to move my hand in an upward tracetory I could still crush the damn thing!"


Just as you quickly move your hands towards the fly, move it slightly in the upward direction aswell such that your hands end up approximately 5-6 cms above the desk when you finally hit the target. You can try various variations like having an air pocket between your hands to get the fly fainted but alive. And so my friends...I thought like a fly and like myself in the "slow motion world" to finally come up with a way to kill flies. Use it liberally when you feel like...with absolutely no royalty fee needed.

DISCLAIMER: This act was performed by the author during the times when no girl in her right sense would look at him. Hence, the author does not claim responsibilty for the opposite sex running away from you, while you practice such yucky tricks in the public. Adios!

4 Comments:

Blogger Raghu said...

ada paavi...nee annaiku oru "E" mattum saga adikkala da..oru "E" gramathayae adichu kola pannina...

annaiku SK unna edho kevalama sollitan...avana edhavadhu sonna sema adi vizhumm nnu nee paavam "E"-a kola pannina... :D

also we thought you were trying to answer our q's..."EEE padichu enna kizhikka pora?"

7:48 AM  
Blogger Saiy said...

nice etta ..liked it... Post more !! n keep me entertained ;)

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

3:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks. This helped

4:05 AM  

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